Written by Carrie Ross, MA, LMFTA, Certified Parent Coach
Who are you and where did my partner go?! Seven years into marriage, a gaggle of kids (or not!) and an adversity or two and couples start to wonder, who I am married to and what happened to the relationship I thought we had! Couples can feel a sense of sadness, dissatisfaction at the ways the marriage has dissolved over time. They are at a crossroads, almost a crisis and neither partner can see their way forward.
As a marriage and family therapist, I want to tell you that marriage and relationships have developmental stages and changes throughout a lifespan. In other words, there are times in a relationship where we feel close and connected and at other times distant. And in those times of disconnection or distance, conflict or seasons of winter there are ways to heal hurts and improve the connection. Here are five ways to (re)build a strong partnership!
Make Time to Be Together
Life is busy! It is easy to HAVE a relationship, live with one another, but go day after day as ships pass in the night. Whether it is kids, work, friends, health issues, aging parents, to name a few usual suspects, it can sometimes feel like you’re on automatic pilot without control of your time. The tricky thing about living this way, is that there is a decrease in affection and emotional responsiveness which, over time creates conflict. You see, when we feel alone we start to long for our partner. And when our partner is unavailable we often see disconnection or conflict start.
Truly connecting with your spouse will look different in every relationship, but the universal message for all couples is time together makes each of you feel safe, seen and loved. Start with the free and under a moment interactions like: send messages of encouragement throughout the day rather than to honey to do lists. Intentionally smile when your partner comes in the door or when your eyes meet across the room. Saying “Thank you” for what they do can go a long way and only takes a second. Taking on one thing you know that matters to your partner is an action that can be quick and say so much about how you see them. Creating the mental space to think of the other person and make a bid for connection can have a big impact. Lastly, make time for dates and vacations together. It is a good idea to take time away from the kids. Not only does it model the importance of the adult relationship, it can help rejuvenate a partnership that will have impact in the day to day life. Be the marriage you want your kids to have later in life. NOTE: Both partners are responsible for the planning! If vacations or dinner’s out are out of the question, maybe linger at the dinner table a little longer together after the kids run off or have a seven minute cup of coffee together in the morning.
Practice your Listening Skills
Time in the same room is only helpful if we practice the art of engagement. The most important skill is listening. Many people listen to respond to one another rather than listen to understand.
Imagine (paint the picture or see the image) what your partner is really sharing. See if you can feel their emotion, almost as if you experience what they are experiencing. You don’t have to agree with your partner’s point of view, but listening to understand tells your partner “ I am here and want to know you.” Many times, this goes a very long way!
Get Curious
While you are in conversations practicing your listening skills, get curious! Many couples who have been together for some time have a notion that they “know” their partner so well. While this may be true, another truth is that we all evolve over the years. Rather than ask How was your day? Ask questions to get at How did you experience your day? While we may know our partner well, we can still learn how their life is feeling to them, what is shifting for them in their goals and aspirations, or what is depleting or energizing to them. Talking about this stuff not only gives us a window into our partner but also gives them space to know themselves better. Coming from a place of already knowing what your partner thinks and feels doesn’t really leave room for curiosity or possibility that they may have changed their thoughts or feelings.
Validate Your Partner
When your partner brings something to your attention that is bothering them, what are they met with? Do you find yourself getting defensive, dismissing their share, using humor and minimizing or even pulling away and shutting down? These are all common behaviors that leave our partner feeling unheard and alone when they bring vulnerability.
Instead, when our partner brings up a topic that is scary or sensitive for them they are often looking to be heard and validated. Some validating phrases are: “ thank you for telling me this” , “ I never thought about it that way” ,“ it makes sense why you felt X.” These validating, non-judgmental statements help a person feel like their partner wants to know how they are feeling. Validating statements can also include active listening, repeating back what your partner said or using curiosity by asking a follow up question like “ so when this happened, you felt this, did i get that right?” Or “That sounds like it left you feeling similar to when you experience X that other time, right?” As said earlier, you are not agreeing or saying they are “right” you are just getting an idea of what they think and how they feel and letting them know you understand. Often when our partner feels heard and understood they will naturally and instinctually ask for our opinion!
Repair Disconnection
Lastly, when you and your partner argue, which is inevitable, couples that stay together repair with one another! This takes courage and humility, as it usually includes someone admitting wrongdoing, or taking accountability for their own behavior and how it impacted the other person. Repair after a relational rupture is the #1 factor in healthy relationships. Brushing things under the rug, or just not addressing the hard conversations creates resentment and built up anger over time. Admitting you see your partner hurting is vital to the strength of the bond and builds resilience within the marriage. It doesn’t mean you meant to, often we are “lost in translation” and just sharing we see how it hurts them. We are NOT saying we meant to be hurtful!
Final Thoughts
After reading this blog, my hope for you is that you will pick one to use with your partner. Watch over time how you get better at it and how it impacts the relationship. I also invite you to notice what you and your partner DO use already. And if you continue to struggle to implement these skills or the resentment built feels too big to resolve, it might be a great time to come explore couples therapy. It means you are doing the hard work of staying in a good relationship with your partner and may need some support in moving through the entire conflict or conversation.
Interested in exploring couples therapy at The Family Center?
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